and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
