I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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