I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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