I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
