I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
