You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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