Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
