You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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