Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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