well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
