No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
