I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize