Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
