My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
