i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
