I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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