My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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