you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
