how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You took a bar mat shot.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
