I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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