I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
