either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Randomize
