nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
