so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
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