John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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