if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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