I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
