Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
