i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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