All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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