took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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