its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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