I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
