when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
