Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
