Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
you win again, gameday.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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