mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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