our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
