Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
