She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
