They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
