Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
