my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
