I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
