I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
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if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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