You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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