I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Watching her eat just hurts me
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
