i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
