cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
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She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
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I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize