that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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