it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
