don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
