just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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