apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
