I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
